Okay, grab your coffee or tea or water, whatever be your drink of choice and let's have a little 'come to Jesus' moment. "What's that?" you might ask. A moment of truth. A moment where all the cards are laid on the table and you're honest with yourself about yourself.

Since June 2018, my career status went from Senior Account Manager at a design agency to full time author to small business owner to (about a month ago) part time cashier. To say I've been STRUGGLING over the past month would be to say Godzilla was a little lizard. A bit of an understatement.

My husband and I have some goals in life. One of them being owning our own home once again. Since book sales have been low, finding a part-time job seemed like the route to take to stay on track with that goal. So far so good, right? Wrong! Since I got the job everything flipped sideways and spun around faster than a roller coaster at an amusement park. Not because the job is bad but because my ideas fell through.

I guess I walked into this with some magical idea that everything would just fall together. Then, when it didn't I felt overwhelmed. I realized that I needed to get back into routines. A time to write, a time to read, a time to hang with the family, a time to work, a time to workout. I had to fight for what was important to my schedule.

Last night, I watched a movie with the family, then watched a movie with my husband (Crawl-that could be a blog in itself), then I spent some time writing. I spent a good couple hours writing and I felt great about what I had accomplished. Then, this morning, I started feeling bad because the project I worked on last night wasn't anything that I had been working on recently. Which brings me to my title for this blog "discipline vs. dictatorship".

I'm SUPER bad about beating myself up when I don't measure up to my imaginary standards. Maybe I walk on the treadmill for thirty minutes and instead of celebrating my accomplishment I tell myself I could have jogged the whole time and it would have been better. Instead of being excited about working on a project that has been in the works for a few years now, I thought about another project I had recently started that I should have spent some time on.

Which got me thinking, do you ever have moments when you should be celebrating your accomplishments but instead rain on your own parade? It's one thing to be a humble person, it's an issue to be the one humbling ourselves. I am great at encouraging others and helping them pursue their goals. But I often find myself beating myself down as if nothing I do is enough. Well that's just crazy!I'm never going to get anywhere if I keep slashing my own tires.

God, help me walk today with a keen sense of discipline. Holy Spirit, guide me throughout my day to better prioritize and complete the task that are most important. God, help me end the dictatorship I have over my life and submit to your loving rule. This kind of life is hard and wearing on me. But the life you offer is light. Let me pick that pick and walk in it. Amen.

I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I had the “Mary, Mary, quite contrary” rhyme in my head only it was a little bit different. I kept seeing these two trees. One tree sprouted life and the other death, even though it had some appealing fruit.
We are given choices in life. We can decide to accept lies or we can discover truth.

When we discover truth, it is like a light illuminating us from the inside out. In this moment, we quickly discover we’re more like craved up Jack o’ lanterns than whole pumpkins. Life has cut us apart and the light exposes every area we’ve tried to patch up.

Rather than back down and dim the light, that is the moment to let it shine that much brighter.

I don’t like feeling flawed. Which is why most of my life I strived for perfection. I wanted to be the gold star kid, the non-rebellious teen, and the count on me worker. This strive only caused destruction internally and externally.
Perfection is not something we can achieve on this earth. In fact, the illusion of perfection causes separation from others and God. It’s okay for us to not be okay. Hard times are going to come, trials will come, illness will come, poverty will come, etc. But none of these deviations will last. They are only moments passing by that have the potential to make us grow.

God, help us seek out your truth. Amen.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been telling people, “you have to take this one day at a time.” I should have realized that God was trying to speak to me as well but I didn’t at the time. Then yesterday, that light bulb finally went on, “Hey, I need to take this one day at a time.”

What does that mean?

For me, there are times when I get so caught up on what might or could happen in the future that I get overwhelmed at the journey ahead. Jacob and Elijah have been watching the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and the past couple nights we’ve been watching the final movie “Return of the King”. This is a long movie series. But what is interesting is that you have Frodo who is the main character. He has this daunting task of taking the ring to Mt. Doom and destroying it. You think that he would be the hero of the story but he’s not. The real hero is Sam. His simple friend with childlike thinking. Sam knows that the task is hard and burdensome for Mr. Frodo but Sam still believes that they will complete the task and return home.
Oh, if we could all take this kind of approach to life. One day at a time, one moment at a time, just keeping moving forward.

I know that I need to set goals for the future. Doing so allows me to prioritize things in my life. If my goal is to raise three respectful young men then today I will make time to correct my sons when they are being disrespectful. If my goal is to sell books to readers, then today I will write instead of watching that TV show because I know what will get me closer to my goal. (Doesn’t always happen but at least I know.)

We need to set goals for the future. But we must also live each moment fully alert.

God, help us to live each day. Help us not to punch in a destination and coast through life on auto-pilot but to live with intention. To live on purpose. Yes, we need goals but our ultimate goal should be to see your kingdom in the here and now. To see people as you see them. To value every person and every moment. Amen

Life never seems to go the way that we plan it. Last night, after getting off work at midnight, my youngest son came into the room saying he was going to be sick.
He had only got choked from being congested but the little guy slept in my room all night anyway. During the night, he decided to ask random question, almost always right as I was drifting back to sleep.
Why am I sharing this? To be transparent. A lot of times I hear Christians acting like they have it all together. I’ve been one of them in the past. It was as if people wouldn’t believe in God if things weren’t going well all the time.
But honestly, when I look back at my life it wasn’t the times when things were going well that people wanted to know who my God was. It was the times when I was struggling the hardest. When we had a miscarriage, when there was a death, when we were about to become homeless for three weeks.
During those times I was frustrated but not with God. I knew that God would make something beautiful from it all. I was frustrated with this broken world. Frustrated that bad things happen. Frustrated that we don’t value the lives of others as much as we should. Just frustrated.
Also during those times was when I had the most people say, “ I don’t understand how you’re so calm I’d be a mess right now.” To which I’d answer, “God.”

If you find yourself dealing with the crazy frustrations today, take a moment to read the Bible. If you don’t have one check out biblegateway.com or the youversion app. (Ephesians is a pretty good book to start on) Get to know about the God that created the heavens and the earth. The God that wants you to experience joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, gentleness, love, and faithfulness. These things will show up wherever he is. It will be the fruit that his people have upon them. But don’t stop at reading about him from the perspective of others. Take time to talk to him and listen for him to talk back. He’s not a distance deity wanting to lord over humanity. He wants an intimate relationship with each and every one of us.

God, I pray for anyone reading this today. No matter what frustrations they may be experiencing today, God, give them peace like a breathe of fresh air. Even if circumstances don’t change today or tomorrow, allow them to experience freedom from those circumstances. Freedom that only you can give us. Amen.

This scripture is often misquoted. The first half is typically omitted and people usually say, “But as for me and my house we will serve the Lord.”
However, it’s important to see what Joshua actually said here. He said, “Choose who you will serve.” He didn’t tell the people who to serve but instead told them that it was their decision.
I don’t understand why people would make a choice other than God. But as I get older I recognize that, like Joshua, it’s not for me to decide for them. I have to know who I serve and where I stand.
Hopefully, they will see something through the relationship that I have with God that they will want for their own life.
Don’t waste your time trying to convince people why they should serve God or arguing with them about these details. Instead, put every effort into living a life that brings glory to God, doing everything to please God. In other words, stop telling people why they should have a relationship with God and start showing them through your own life.

God, help us to seek you always. It’s not our job to convince people to serve you. We only need to set an example of serving you but giving you our best in everything. Amen.

Every time I find the courage to post a video, the still shot preview always seems to capture the best picture. And by 'best' I mean a face that reminds me I am so out of my element with public speaking. But, maybe that's okay. Hopefully, my lack and inexperience allows God more room to do His thing.

I started www.goodbyechristianwhore.com to promote a book. I started this blog because I love writing and didn't want the book to end the experience. "Goodbye, Christian Whore" was a snapshot of one experience in my life. One moment of transparency sharing how I navigated through life. This blog was meant to continue that transparency because let's be honest, sometimes we want to be inspired but don't want to part with the $9.99. 

I've been struggling with be a "blogger". I see mommy blogs, I see sports blogs, I see fitness blogs. These people seem to have it all together. They have a theme and they are sticking to it. My blog is all over the place. I write about writing, I write about books, I write about God, I pretty much just write whatever is going on in my life or my general thoughts about life. The lack of theme has made me feel like a failure up to this point. 

But today, when I recorded this video it all came together. There's a voice that keeps telling me I'm failing the competition. It keeps telling me I'm wasting the talents God has given me.

Dear That  Voice,
You are a liar! God did not create this life to be a  competition. He created it to be a collective. Humanity wasn't created to compete with each other, we were created to contribute to each other. Competing requires us to be the best. Contribution allows God to be the best, like it should be. You sly little devil, you almost had me once again. Focused so much on me (my lack of) that I lost sight of God. No worries, I'll take that crap you're dishing out. But I'm done letting it stink up my life. Instead, it's going to fertilize  all that God's trying to grow!
When you taunt me saying that I'll be one voice drown out in a million, I'll be a voice. When you tell me I'm not qualified, I'll be a voice.When you tell me to sit this one out, I'll be a voice. 
I'll be a voice...because it's not about my voice or my story. It's about His story. When life gives you lemons...well, God didn't give me lemons He gave me words so I'm going to write them down, I'm going to speak them out, I'm going to paint them, I'm going to share them in every way that I can. Because that's what I've been given to work with.

God, thank you for growth, inspiration...thank you for being God. My rock in this crazy tornado called life. Amen. 

I don't know about you but sometimes I forget that there is a time for everything that happens here on earth. Especially when it's time to move from my comfort zone. Change can be frustrating, aggravating, stressful, and uncomfortable. However, change can also be a breathe of fresh air.
Why is it then that most of us avoid change like it's the plague? Could that be a curse of the sin we're born into? We like things to stay the way we like them rather than embracing the freedom God offers. In fact, some of us are so stuck in the way we like things that we can't even think about buying our underwear anywhere else except "Kmart on 400 Oak Street in Cincinnati". (Yes, that was a Dustin Hoffmann quote from Rain Man.) 

You might have noticed that shift happens is awfully close to the phrase sh*t happens. One of the words means "nonsense, foolishness, crap". The other means "change or move". Hopefully, you're able to guess which is which. 

The past few weeks I've been circling over the first church, the first followers of Christ. What was it that made them want to profess Jesus as their Lord and follow Him even to death? Were these people a bunch of religious fanatics, had they been brainwashed, or was there something more to their passion and dedication?

Well, first of all, that's more than I can cover in one blog. But the simple answer is shift. They shifted from an earthy mindset to a heavenly mindset. That didn't mean they no longer suffered pain or heartache, it simply meant that they processed it in a new light. They began to understand "this too shall pass" was more than an empty phrase your neighbor told you when things turned to sh*t. It was a lifestyle that could be embraced through Christ.

God would be their God. Not because they were a people that He choose like Israel. Not because He was the God of their ancestors- Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. But because He took their place in an awful punishment, out of love for them, before even knowing if He'd be loved in return. 

God, help me embrace the shift that you have for my life. Help me not to become so wrapped up in the things of this world that I lose sight of your will and your kingdom. You are God, not me. Your will be done, not mine. Lord, ignite a passion inside of me that burns away my selfish desires. Ignite a passion for you that consume me from the inside out. That cleanses me and flows out of me. Amen.

Have you ever had someone tell you that you don't pray for patience? I'm always told that the reason you don't pray for patience is because yours will be tested. Um, isn't that kind of the point? How would you develop patience unless there were situations that required you to be patient?

Obviously this is a blog for those that have ears to hear because I'm sure I lost a few readers just by featuring the yin yang symbol. The Bible constantly talks about these 'contrary' forces. I'm not saying that I embrace everything there is in the yin yang philosophy but to quote We Are Messengers, "Maybe it's ok, if I'm not ok."
I pray for patience with my boys a lot. I pray because I don't want to turn into the Hulk the moment they get rowdy. It's no good for me and it certainly doesn't teach them anything. However, me being recognized as a patient person doesn't come by everything going good and grand every moment of my life. The times that people recognize my patience most are the times when Hulk is rising up just under my collar. Times when I recognize that I don't want people to see me, I want them to see God. Times when I don’t want to be like me, I want to be like Christ.
Praying for patience, joy, or self-control and thinking that stress, sadness, and temptation will not show up is like asking a trainer to help you build muscle and then standing in shook when they bust out the weights. Resistance builds muscle, conflict develops character.
As Christians, we should pray for patience as well as the other fruits of the spirit- love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. What we shouldn't do is find ourselves caught off guard when the weights appear.

God, help us understand the difference between praying our will and your will. Help us to understand forgiveness and grace did not come from a beautiful rose with droplets of morning dew but from the slaughtered blood of a sacrificial lamb you called Your Son. You make beautiful things. Diamonds don't come without extreme pressure. Remind us of your love. Remind us of your promises as we face trials. Remind us that you are God and break us free from religious lies that say, "God is good so everything should be good always." That is not what your Word tells us. We are told that there will be sorrows and trials and heartache this side of heaven but not to lose hope because you are God. We are told that the rain falls on the righteous and the wicked alike. We are bound to experience the same things that happen to all of mankind but as Christians we are no longer slaves to sin. We no longer have to respond the same as we did before we knew Christ. There is a new way to live. Thank you, God. Amen.

This "freedom" has come up quite a few times over the past week and a half. What does it mean to experience freedom through the Spirit of the Lord? I was reading another verse last week and it said, "My brothers and sisters, God called you to be free, but do not use your freedom as an excuse to do what pleases your sinful self. Serve each other with love." Galatians 5:13 NCV
Freedom. What does that word truly mean?

Just in case you are like me and you didn't know what "onerous" meant, it means burdensome. The weight of sin is burdensome for sure. But what does the freedom that comes with the Spirit of the Lord truly look like in our lives. Freedom allows that weight to be lifted from us.

I took it one step at a time.

• I told my husband to finish edging the yard. The yard wasn't going to finish edging itself.
• I began vacuuming up the glass. I recognized that if I was in his shoes I would continue to beat myself up over the mistake while I cleaned it up. I didn't want him doing that. I wanted him to refocus.
• I called insurance. I realize that the first thing that we saw was money flying out of our bank account. That was a silly thing to worry about because we pay a monthly fee (car insurance) to cover things like this.

Being a Christian is about daily making a choice to plug into God, or as the Bible says pick up our cross. Do you think Jesus wanted to die on the cross for a bunch of sinners? I'm gonna go with, no, since he asked God multiple times to give him a different task (take this cup). But, he loved the Father so much that He wanted to see His will/His kingdom present here on earth. 
What shattered windows are popping up in your life to distract you from the freedom God has for you? In case you didn't get the metaphor, how are you handling the issues that arise in your life? Are you returning to default mode (sinful self) and trying to figure out everything on your own or switching things to freedom mode and putting your trust in God?
If your mode is not reflecting the fruit of the Spirit as listed in Galatians 5:22&23 you can know that you've switched to default mode and rejected the freedom you should be living in.

God, this was one time that I turned to you and knew that things would go well. But there are so many, many, many times that I switch to default mode. Holy Spirit guide me. I don't want to live in default mode, never experiencing true freedom. I want to rejoice in the freedom that Jesus provided for me through His sacrifice. Remind me to approach situations in a new light. Approach situations with the example that Jesus set. Approach them in a way to make God's kingdom real and tangible to those watching. That onlookers would see a new way of living. Amen 

"But the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. There is no law that says these things are wrong. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their own sinful selves. They have given up their old selfish feelings and the evil things they wanted to do. We get our new life from the Spirit, so we should follow the Spirit." Galatians 5:22-25 NCV

What was Paul's advice for the Christians in Rome? "Stop doing what you want to do when you want to do it. Start living in a new way, a way that reflects how Jesus lived. You were born into sin (darkness) but you've accepted a new life (light) so start living in it."

We were all born slaves to a defect, an imperfection, that separates us from our perfect Creator. Sin. However, Jesus stepped in and said, "Hey, I'm going to purchase that one right there. That one that everyone says won't amount to anything. That one that thinks they are good for nothing. The scrawny one that everyone overlooks. That pretty one that's damaged on the inside. That's the one I want right there. But I'm not going to purchase them with any kind of currency, instead I'm going to purchase them with my own blood."
And when he did that, he broke our bondage to sin. Unfortunately, since all we've ever know is sin we have to be taught a new way to live now that we are free. Jesus set that example for us.
While he was here on earth he didn't focus on earth, he focused on God. That is what set him apart. He wasn't trying to get ahead, stressing over his legacy, fretting about his family. His focus was on God and the kingdom to come. Christians, that is where our focus must be also. 
I get it, there are days when everything is going crazy. There are days when you're tired or depressed. There are days when your anxiety  is through the roof. On those days, God isn't your focus.
There are days when you're hitting the daily grind and getting things done. There are days when the sun is shining and life is good. There are days that you're relaxing. On those days, God isn't your focus. 
If we call ourselves Christians, Christ is our example. Every part, good or bad, every moment of every day- God is to be our focus. Not my will but Yours be done.

God, it's not easy. Sometimes I think the disciples had it easy because they had Jesus right in front of them. But then I read the Bible and see that even though they had him setting an example right in front of them they still doubted, they still forgot. Lord, help me to live my life transparently. When troubles come let me not be afraid to say, "Things are getting tough but I will stand on God, he is my rock." When things are going good let me not think it's silly to say, "God is so awesome and wonderful. All that I have is His. I am nothing without Him." Let my words and my life be a light in this dark world that points others to the freedom they can experience with You through Your Son, Jesus. That they too could say, "Good or bad I will not wavier- my focus is on God." AMEN!