Live life until you die. That might sound like a great little Pinterest phrase (it might be, I haven’t checked) but it’s what must be done.
Live or Die. In part 1, I talked about the unfairness of life. I said, “Just keep swimming”. But how can that translate from a blue fish’s cute saying to real life?
I don’t like sharing personal experiences because they make me feel weak. They make me feel like a failure. But the truth is that sometimes I am weak, I am a failure. I am learning that it is in these weaknesses and failures that I realize my need for Jesus. I am also learning that sharing these weaknesses shines light on God’s strength and awesomeness.
In December 2017, I stepped forward to let my husband know that I had been unfaithful in our commitment to each other. Although I had already asked God for forgiveness and changed my actions, I still lived under the weight of the lie. The lie that my husband knew nothing about. The weight was so unbearable that I decided to speak the truth and accept whatever that might bring. I had sinned, there was no way to sugar coated it. It was time to own it. I told my husband the truth. I had broken his trust and I was willing to accept whatever that meant for our future. If he could no longer love me, I would accept that, because I felt like I deserved it. I hated myself for what I had done.
I am so very thankful that my husband decided to trust God and fight for our marriage.
Needless to say, 2018 had a rough start. We were doing our best to stand on God, but it often felt more like standing on the deck of that sailboat in the movie Adrift waiting for the next huge wave to crash down and beat us. The year started out with one beating after another. We went to counseling and began working through our marriage. We were about to celebrate our thirteenth wedding anniversary, how on earth did we find ourselves staring at it (our marriage) on a table unresponsive and dead? Seriously, that is what it felt like. Like maybe the last thirteen years of our lives was all a lie and huge failure. But that wasn’t the truth.
The truth was that we had a lot of good memories and good times throughout our marriage. We had a lot of love. The truth was that we had allowed things into our marriage that tainted God’s original design for it. Things like pornography, adultery, and those “innocent” white lies. Over time, these things corrupted our marriage like a virus on a computer. The system was no longer operating as it was intended to.
At the beginning of the year, I probably would have said that God was working on our hearts to revive our marriage. To restore it. But honestly that is not the truth. At the beginning of the year, we were working to revive our marriage. God just wanted to make it new. The commitment was good but the contents needed to be flushed so He could pour in truth.
2018 was about learning how to “Just keep swimming”. Swimming with God that is.
“Now, everything has been heard, so I give my final advice: Honor God and obey his commands, because this is all people must do. God will judge everything, even what is done in secret, the good and the evil.” Ecclesiastes 12: 13&14 NCV
By the world’s standard, I didn’t have to come clean with my husband. I had already stopped. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. But God, has a higher standard.
By the world’s standard, porn is a normal struggle. My husband could continue to battle it off and on. But God, has a higher standard.
By the world’s standard, it’s ok for a spouse to tell a “little white” lie to spare their mate from pain. Your outfit’s not too tight. You’re fine not going to the gym. Yes, I’m ok with doing this (even though you’re really not). But God, has a higher standard. He doesn’t want us to hurt each other, He wants us to speak truth in love. Love builds trust. Lies destroy trust, even “little white” ones.
Just keep swimming for God. Serving God doesn’t mean you will never be tempted to sin. Serving God doesn’t mean everything will happen just as you “pray” it will happen. Serving God doesn’t mean life will be full of easy choices. It simply means that you are choosing to serve God. No matter what the world’s standard might be, you choose to live by God’s standard. The standard that says, “I might be here on this earth but this is not my home. I answer to a higher standard.”
God, thank you for the lessons that you have provided this past year. Thank you for the truth that has been spoken to us, in us, and through us. Help us to keep swimming for You and with You. Amen
A New Identity
What is this blog about? You mean, I'm supposed to have a purpose? Ok, if that's required then my purpose is life.
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