The Narrow Path- Part 2 Copyright © 2019 Nicole Donoho This 5-Day blog series story is a work of fiction. Names, descriptions, entities, and incidents included in this story are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, events, and entities is entirely coincidental.
+ + + +
Look at him. He probably hates you. The fact that you said you didn’t want to marry him and now you’re just using him for his truck.
“So about yesterday.” I blurted out.
“What about it?” Xander asked after a few moments of silence.
I hadn’t considered the follow-up to my outburst. I simply wanted to shut up all the thoughts from bombarding my mind.
What the heck am I even supposed to say, God? I took a deep breathe.
It doesn’t really matter what you say. You’ve messed this up so badly there’s no fixing it at this point.
The thought was like an arrow piercing through my heart, attached to a harpoon on a sinking ship. I was going under, down to the deepest darkest place imaginable and it was all my fault. God, please help me.
If you want wisdom all you need to do is ask. *
Yes, thank you God, I do need wisdom. I need to know what to say so I’m not making this worse.
Truth will set you free. ** There was that thought again. The truth equals freedom.
How can it possibly be that simply?
I sighed. “Well, the truth is that you caught me off guard when you proposed yesterday.” He didn’t respond so I decided to continue. “I’ve wanted you to propose since the moment we started dating. You’re awesome and I love being around you. But lately, I’ve been struggling with that.”
“With how much of my happiness depends on you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When we first started dating, I just wanted to be around you all the time. You made me laugh and you made me happy. Even when we argued, I know that we both kind of set things aside to resolve the arguments faster because we wanted each other to be happy.”
“What’s wrong with being happy?”
“Nothing’s wrong with being happy. But allowing our happiness to depend on each other is.”
He reached for the dial on the dash and turned down the music. Something he usually did when our conversations became less than casual.
“Because it’s asking too much of each other. In the end, we’re staying together because being together makes us happy.”
“I still don’t see he problem here.”
God some of that wisdom could come in handy right about now. I sighed. “Look at Avery and Dexter. You’re always telling me that you don’t understand why she is with him because she is so sweet and he is—”
I rolled my eyes. “I was going to say a jerk but yes. So many times, we can see lopsided relationships where one of the people is really nice and the other person is a jerk yet the nice person continues going back to the jerk because they don’t want to lose their happiness.”
“So, are you saying I’m a jerk?”
“No! I’m saying that nobody looks at a nice person and a nice person in the same way. It gets overlooked because everything looks great. But there are times when we’ve held each other back to ensure that things stay happy between us.”
“Like…you not taking that opportunity with your cousin.”
“Lexi, I didn’t take it because you already started college here. I didn’t think moving to California would be good for our relationship.”
“If distance has the ability to break us apart then what’s actually holding us together?”
“Lexi, you said you didn’t want me to go.”
“I know I did. But I can also see now that I was being selfish. I wasn’t thinking about the opportunity that had just opened for you. All that I could think of was potentially losing you. That’s not love, Xander, it’s obsession. The more that I’ve been digging into the Bible, the more that I see a different kind of love. God’s love is a selfless love. It’s forgiveness and sacrifices and…” I closed my eyes for a moment. “…I haven’t been very good at it.”
“Lexi, I don’t think that you wanting me to stay here was selfish. I didn’t want to leave you either.”
“Why did you propose yesterday?”
“Because I didn’t want to lose you and lately that’s how I’ve felt. I feel like we’re getting further and further apart.”
“See, that’s how I felt when you were talking about California. You were super excited until I started listing all the reasons it was a bad idea. Looking back, I wish that I wouldn’t have been so set on where I had already enrolled. I wish that I would have looked into transferring even if that meant we’d have to spend some time apart. But those thoughts didn’t even cross my mind ‘cause I was being selfish. The only thing that I could think of was losing you and you were the only one that made me happy.”
“Again, I don’t think you were being selfish by—”
“Yes! I was being selfish and that’s why you feel like something is coming between us now.” He took a breath to stay calm. “That something is God. The more that I try to get closer to Him, the further I feel from you. But, it’s not that I love you any less. If anything, He’s helping me see how to love you better.” I shook my head and smile. “He’s showing me how to truly love you instead of obsess over you.”
Xander laughed. “I hardly think I’m worth obsessing over.”
“That, right there! That is what I’m talking about. The fact that we both say those kinds of things to each other all the time so that the other can confirm that we are wanted and loved.”
“What kind of things?”
“You basically just put yourself down leaving yourself open for me to either confirm or deny your worth. I know it because I’ve done the same thing.”
Xander stared out the front window. It was difficult to tell if he was upset or thinking. I wanted to say something but decided it’d be better if I waited. I glanced at the stores on either side of the road trying to keep myself from saying anything. The music on the radio might have been a good distraction if it wasn’t for the country twang and emotional recap of losing everything.
The song ended and another one began, this time about cheating boyfriend. Seriously, couldn’t we lighten the mood with a party by the lake song or something? We turned on the highway that headed out of town. Less stores, more trees and barns, still no reply from Xander.
“I can see what you’re saying.” He stated as we crossed over the bridge on the edge of town. “I guess I never thought about it that way. But who wouldn’t want to know that they mattered?”
+ + + +
NOTE TO THE READER: Throughout the story, Lexi’s thoughts contain some references, not quotes, found in scripture. In no way is this meant to be a study or reference of what these scriptures truly mean. Please take the time to look up the scriptures and read them for yourself.
*James 1:5, **John 8:32
A New Identity
What is this blog about? You mean, I'm supposed to have a purpose? Ok, if that's required then my purpose is life.
Better with age...
Choose a Topic